I think I’ve begun to recognize this feeling as the beginning of a change in my heart. My past year has been spattered with this same unsettled emotion that would not go away until I acted on the feeling for change. It’s amazing when you pray that God would give you His heart, sometimes, it actually happens (I know, I’m a doubter).
The first time last year was at the very beginning of the year. I was struggling with the timing that Jason and I had set to become parents (I was thinking around 28 or so, not 26). Not because I wanted to hurry it up, mind you, but because I felt that something was wrong with our my motives for wanting to wait. And what I’m about to say cannot be broadly applied to everyone, this was something I experienced in my own heart. I felt like I was just being selfish. I didn’t want to have a child because I wanted to do things on my time: I wanted to travel (specifically to Europe), I wanted to buy toys, I wanted to do things for me and did not want a child to get in the way of that. What I began to recognize as I struggled through our plan of child rearing was that children are a blessing, we are not guaranteed that we will have tomorrow and that Jason and I are equipped (well as much as anyone can be pre-child) to be parents. We love each other, we love God, we have a desire to raise a child, we don’t have any serious debt, we both have jobs (for now), so there was no reason to wait except my own selfishness (which was largely influenced by our society saying children are a burden, you should do what YOU want to do, you’ve earned this time to be selfish. . . etc). Now this was a realization that took from January to August for me to pray through, process and understand. It pervaded my thoughts on a regular basis. Needless to say, what I was working through obviously came to fruition since I’m now pregnant and pretty content with the idea of being a mom (although I still have moments of “Oh my gosh, what did we DO?!”).
The second time last year was reevaluating what being ‘green’ and being a Christian looked like and how closely the two are interlinked once you begin studying what the Bible says about creation and how your habits affect other people. I was so deeply affected by this new thought process that I couldn’t stop thinking about it – I thought about it everywhere I went and wanted to talk to everyone about it. I know some still think I’m crazy for making my own deodorant and trying to reduce our trash, trying to recycle everything, living with less (etc etc) but now it’s become integrated into my life and it’s part of me. I’m still learning, of course, but I’m not overwhelmed by the need to change.
My last post wasn’t supposed to come across as down or depressed, as I’m afraid now that it may have appeared that way. I do appreciate all the words of kind encouragement and wisdom – they were precious to me in getting through the end of a tough week. So, thank you for your sweet words, I was encouraged. I just want you to know that that last post was just a way of sharing the direction that my heart is being pulled and the emotions through the life change that I pray will come about. I’m excited because I know that this feeling is the beginning of change for me and it will be interesting to see what comes of it.