Warning: this is going to be a bit of a whiny post. My excuse? I’m pregnant. I think I’m going to start using that one more often now. I only have a couple more months where it will work. But seriously, it’s not really so much about whining (maybe that’s my justification for whining, ha) as much as sharing and processing my own thoughts.
Six and a half months. Dang. I certainly am feeling like an overheated, fatigued, beached whale today (I know, I don’t look like one, but really the way I feel is often different than the way I look). My pants aren’t quite staying on my hips (those seem to be rapidly disappearing these days making it harder for my pants and much worse, my underwear, to stay where they belong [I refuse to buy maternity underwear]), my long torso problem is being further expounded as my abdomen is growing (now I am finding I can only wear my LONGEST shirts, erg), my breaths are getting shallower and shallower as my lungs are being encroached on, and I don’t think Jude is feeling like giving me enough room to continue being able to eat a decent sized meal. After a meal or snack for that matter, I feel so full (but not necessarily of food) that I could be rolled to my next destination. I have this very strange sensation that this body is not mine as I can’t do things I normally do, like get out of my car, or lean forward. This feeling is further reinforced by what I see in the mirror – nuh uh, those aren’t mine and that, that is not my body.
As the kicks are getting stronger and stronger, the reality of having a child is becoming clear and most of all unavoidable and I feel pretty freaked out. Excited. But freaked out. I have fears of inadequacy (as I’m sure almost all do), fears of how my life is going to change and the relationships that I value along with it. I want to keep my friends and I know that will be difficult because relationships take effort and time, both of which I can see waning in the beginning of having a kiddo. I’m not sure how my job works into becoming a parent and the uncertainty of that sits with me regularly. I am often asked what my plans are once my 3 month maternity leave is up and part of me responds with ‘oh, I’m going back part-time’ and the other part of me says ‘I don’t know, I have no idea how my life is going to change’ and somehow both those answers don’t feel exactly right. In a perfect world, I would start a little home business and it would supplement our income while staying home with Jude. This is not a perfect world and the state of Jason’s job is not what it has been in the past which may necessitate me working at least part-time.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am very excited about meeting my son (goodness, those words feel weird to type). The upsides outweigh the downsides by so much that the downsides cease to really matter in the grand scheme. But like so many, I get hung up on the small things. I know that there are many decisions to be made, and they are mine and Jason’s to decide. I can’t let fear of others judgment sway what is best for our family but sometimes I doubt whether or not I/we know what is best. I just get the feeling that I’m running out of time to get everything done for Jude and to truly be prepared for his arrival.
I guess this whole process started with trusting that God knows what is best for us (that’s why He allowed for us to become pregnant in the first place), and ultimately that is what will carry us through. After all, like I read on my google reader yesterday (because the only way I can make sure I read a bit of the Bible everyday is to put it on my google reader, sad, but it works) ‘For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope,’ Jeremiah 29:11. My fragile, small plan has nothing in comparision what plan God has laid out for me, my son, my husband and my family.