This is a post I’ve been thinking about writing for a long while. I’ve written it and rewritten it in my head many times, trying to figure out whether or not to share this, but I always return to the fact that these things are often not discussed as openly as they should. I feel compelled to share.
I struggle with my faith. I doubt. I clamor for the right answers sometimes, especially in gray areas. My intellect wars with my heart trying to convince me that faith is for the weak, that my faith will be exploited by others. Amidst all of this I also fully adhere to the Christian belief. I am a Christian that doubts. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with this fact.
I know it may seem crazy to admit this, but I feel like this type of struggle needs to be public so that people know that it’s normal. Discussing these things that seem taboo is a sign of sincerity for me. Letting people into the places that are dark that we want to hide is the only way to shine light and heal. With everything in me I don’t want to have an insincere faith and I especially don’t want to be portrayed as something I am not. My beliefs are not saccharine. It is one with great complexity, bitterness, sweetness, highs and lows. I don’t claim to have all the answers. If I did, it wouldn’t be faith.
When reading the Bible, the people I relate most to cry out to Jesus, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Matthew 9:24) and “Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?” (Matthew 11:3). It is reassuring to me that they are included because my doubt walks right alongside my faith most of the time. I do believe Jesus came to redeem humanity from their sin. Every last one of us. He doesn’t play favorites. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or what your past holds. No guilt is too much for him. No sin. That is why I love Him. He is beyond everything I can imagine and that is why I’ve committed my life to Him.
Sometimes I feel a little crazy for admitting these things. A bit like a gypsy fortune teller. Kooky. A cult member, drinking the kool-aid. My journey to faith has been messy. If I’m honest with myself, it still is messy and it hasn’t been easy – I’ve walked away several times, but I can’t help coming back. I am seduced by His love for me and everyone else. Something in my heart just sings with pleasure at the thought of Him and His reckless, nonsensical and nonjudgmental love. Something in me is fulfilled in ways I can’t explain. He brings beauty to this mess.
I’m not writing this to try and convert people because I don’t believe that I could convert people if I tried. I do believe that I can hold an open conversation and share my life, the good and the bad, as a testament to how He has changed me. There is no question that I am still a work in progress and will be until I die, but I want to share this journey with you, my friends, because it is meaningful to me. What is the point of life if you don’t share the significant parts with people?
So here I am laying it all out there for you blog readers. My heart desires that you would feel redemption as I have but I am not here to convince you of anything. It’s crazy, I know, but I want to hear from you guys about your faith journeys.